zondag 29 april 2007

How to avoid aliens.

It's not as simple as it seems.

First off, people tend to think of aliens as non-existent. This is comprehensible: what cannot be seen, cannot be grasped immediately - neither physically, nor mentally. But, taking this in consideration, one should consider that the invisible might as such be shapeless, but still existent: like air or a fart, which definitely do exist. To say alien life may be gas is plausible, for I just said so. This theory is not new: I postulated it back in 1997, in quite an entertaining short story, but the theory itself, though, is rather boring.

It may be more interesting to hypothesize on the size of alien life: what if space ships were too small for us to notice? If this would be the case, we shouldn't really be bothered about them, since our gravity and atmosphere will kick their invading butts. I once made a brilliant cartoon on this topic, but you won't see it unless I were to buy myself a scanner which wont happen in the near future.

Aliens also may be too big for us to notice. Imagine a huge black hole in which we unconsciously have been sucked into, like a zillion million years ago. I mean, if Jonah would have been born in a whale, he wouldn't have fought his way out, now would he? He might have been spit out, or puked out for that matter, if he'd been a pain in the belly, in case of which we should consider going on experimenting with nuclear and biological weapons.

Aliens may be amongst us right now, Man In Black style: I'm sure you saw the movie, it was a blockbuster back in the late nineties starring Will Smith, some hot chick and Tommy Lee Jones. In case of which we shouldnt bother either, for it worked out fine. All things that got blown up, were either fictitious or located in the USA so I don't really give a rat's ass.

But the real problem would be if they would be disguising themselves as tea. How many little bastards would you reckon we have drunk since the dawn of man? I guess way more than two hundred. We never would have thought about that and isn't surprise the best attack, hence the worst enemy? Is this the real Silent Takeover? Them tiny tourists trespassing those thirsty throats and triggering diarrhoea whilst instigating indigestion in our intestines? Probably not.

So, how to avoid them? The easiest thing to do is ignore them like e.g. a civil war in Sudan or a poor Alec Baldwin movie: you're bound to forget about it, so it won't bother you. Diehards who fear the alien life form, for any reason whatsoever, may choose to stay home, close the curtains and eat one cactus a day. Playing Lionell Richie records may help too, although I never tried it personally. My way of dealing with the situations is to hope my government will take care of it for me. I trust my government. And I love it, too.

So should you.
Because, seriously: who will protect you?

(It's not even real beer)

Yesterday, the bicentennial Penguin League Trophy was - once more - won by Antarctica. For the seventh time since the Trophy was organized, those birdlike creatures conquered what legitimately is theirs. It was the first time though, the audience could have been surprised if there would have been any, for the Trophy indeed is utterly dull and therefore remains unattended by any spectator whatsoever - if not the referee, and three IOC officials.

A team of eighty three genuine Antarctic penguins gathered for what commonly was believed to be an easy walk over. Much to their own surprise, they saw themselves faced to what seemed to be eighty three non-Antarctic penguins, ready to take over the Antarctic Penguin supremacy. They teamed up under the name 'Other Penguins'.
The referee decided for the Penguin League Trophy to take place regardless of nationality, this after consulting two IOC officials. The third already went home because his wife was delivering a baby. We hereby congratulate the happy family.

Although the Other Penguins won the Trophy by landslide, one couldn't help but notice there was something terribly wrong. A first give away could have been the sheer fact the Other Penguins had a manager. Which may not seem odd at all, considering the money involved in sports these days, but in order to have a manager, one should at least be able to talk, write or comprehend things and to this day, science has not yet been able to prove or at least show signs of the ability of penguins on that matter.

A second indication was that the Trophy was all too easily won by the Other Penguins and shortly afterwards they started partying throwing their hands in the air, just like they didn't care. They drank Heineken, too.

It was at that point the fraud became all too apparent and suspicions arose amongst the officials. For one, real penguins do not dance. Moreover they do not have hands to be thrown in the air, and even Penguins are believed to positively refuse to drink Heineken or at least throw up when they really, really have to drink it. The mere addition of those assumptions was enough for the referee and all three officials to start investigating more closely on the Other Penguins. The third official had meanwhile returned, since the Trophy lasts for like, five years.

Approaching the Other Penguins the officials could not help but notice poorly stitched black and white patch work. And soon it became clear the eighty three team members of the Other Penguins were actually Albanian midgets wearing penguin disguises, in search of a better future. Because it really sucks being a midget in Albania.

Impressions Naturelles (Part 4)

Bomen op de weide
Beestjes in't gazon
Visjes in de vijver
En jij op het balkon.

Wat kan de natuur toch mooi zijn

The Boring Adventures of Dree - Part One

'Wanna do some dirty dancing?' Dree asked, 'You know, just like we used to?' No-one replied. Dree sighed and said 'right I forgot, you died.'
He walked back to the kitchen, lit a cigarette and looked for some coffee. He couldn't find no coffee, so he figured he must have run out a couple of days ago.

He watched the clock ticking and tacking time away and stared at it - inhaled - exhaled - and that was that again. No use for healthy lungs when you don't have no one to share your breath with, he thought and wrote it down on the fridge.

'Gee, wouldn't it have been fun to have danced a little