How to avoid aliens.

It's not as simple as it seems.

First off, people tend to think of aliens as non-existent. This is comprehensible: what cannot be seen, cannot be grasped immediately - neither physically, nor mentally. But, taking this in consideration, one should consider that the invisible might as such be shapeless, but still existent: like air or a fart, which definitely do exist. To say alien life may be gas is plausible, for I just said so. This theory is not new: I postulated it back in 1997, in quite an entertaining short story, but the theory itself, though, is rather boring.

It may be more interesting to hypothesize on the size of alien life: what if space ships were too small for us to notice? If this would be the case, we shouldn't really be bothered about them, since our gravity and atmosphere will kick their invading butts. I once made a brilliant cartoon on this topic, but you won't see it unless I were to buy myself a scanner which wont happen in the near future.

Aliens also may be too big for us to notice. Imagine a huge black hole in which we unconsciously have been sucked into, like a zillion million years ago. I mean, if Jonah would have been born in a whale, he wouldn't have fought his way out, now would he? He might have been spit out, or puked out for that matter, if he'd been a pain in the belly, in case of which we should consider going on experimenting with nuclear and biological weapons.

Aliens may be amongst us right now, Man In Black style: I'm sure you saw the movie, it was a blockbuster back in the late nineties starring Will Smith, some hot chick and Tommy Lee Jones. In case of which we shouldnt bother either, for it worked out fine. All things that got blown up, were either fictitious or located in the USA so I don't really give a rat's ass.

But the real problem would be if they would be disguising themselves as tea. How many little bastards would you reckon we have drunk since the dawn of man? I guess way more than two hundred. We never would have thought about that and isn't surprise the best attack, hence the worst enemy? Is this the real Silent Takeover? Them tiny tourists trespassing those thirsty throats and triggering diarrhoea whilst instigating indigestion in our intestines? Probably not.

So, how to avoid them? The easiest thing to do is ignore them like e.g. a civil war in Sudan or a poor Alec Baldwin movie: you're bound to forget about it, so it won't bother you. Diehards who fear the alien life form, for any reason whatsoever, may choose to stay home, close the curtains and eat one cactus a day. Playing Lionell Richie records may help too, although I never tried it personally. My way of dealing with the situations is to hope my government will take care of it for me. I trust my government. And I love it, too.

So should you.
Because, seriously: who will protect you?